My own door

Only once before have I have I had an office with a door. It was years ago when my then department was displaced while our offices were being reconfigured and we worked in a temporary building next the the NAU green house. Even then it wasn't my own office, I shared with my dear friend Jessica.

But now, I'm so delighted, I get an office...of my very own - with a door! No more open floor plan cubical layout b.s. YEAH! I even get to pick the color of the walls...I'm so overwhelmed...something bright and cheery to distract me from the fact I have no window to the outside world or a soothing neutral that will accent whatever loveliness I decide to hang upon the walls? Decisions, decisions. It's the little things that can really make your day.

All in all the new job is going quite well - and starting during the holidays was brilliant on my part. ;) Parties galore!

Happy Thanksgiving to y'all.

Tracey Hayes, ASS

That's Academic Success Specialist...although I have been accused of acting the other at times. I have just officially accepted an offer from ASU's Dept. of Mathematics & Statistics to begin this coming Monday. YEAH, I'm once again gainfully employed!

Am I destined Mrs. Hayes?

To those of you who are gainfully employed or otherwise expected to be someplace, at some time, with some regularity - I envy you. I have learned, oh these many weeks, that I don't do well without "the daily grind." Apparently I'm qualified, or at least appear to be such on paper, for I have been blessed with well over 10 interviews in the past 4wks. But alas, no job offers lie in wait for me to date. At least I have a back-up plan...one that seems so logical and yet so foreign to me.

In fall 1995 I began my higher-ed career with a major in Theater Education - I felt a strong connection to the arts and hoped to one day inspire others to find their path of passion. I quickly changed my major, out of spite more than anything, devoting my heart to the arts alone, leaving education to fend for itself. In May of this year I completed a Masters of Education degree...not in curriculum and instruction mind you...that was still too scary to commit to. So as I continue to interview for a position in higher ed my plan laying in wait is to become a certified teacher. I am working on getting my fingerprint card followed by my sub cert followed be yet another Master's degree, this time with more marketability - a teacher certification.

The hesitation? The unknown of course! Numerous informants have told me they sense I would be a great teacher, but does my heart fear otherwise? For things which are too monstrous for me to wrap my head around (such as this decision) I turn it all over to the Fates. It's a bit like putting your future into the clairvoyance of a Magic 8-Ball, but it works for me. If I get hired for one of these 10+ jobs I've interviewed for - so be it. My life will remain in higher ed (for the near future at least). However, if in fact no job offer comes to me, then I shall jump - fully and whole-heartedly into the classroom, where alas I am not the student, but the teacher. Perhaps only time will tell where I'm meant to be. Regardless, I must find my path soon, for stay-at-home wife does not suit me without baby on hip or group of like-minded fellows to waste away the days with.

NEEEXT!

Words of wisdom that have reared their head lately...
"Everything happens for a reason" - although you may not know why at the time.

"God will only give you what you can handle" - regardless of your religious beliefs, I've found amazing strength in times I thought I wouldn't.

"Mothers are crazy" - you love them anyway, even if it means given them some space now and again.

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life" - isn't cool that you can right your wrongs with the dawning of a new day?!?!

...so here's where I'm at today:
Employment status: pending...have had 2 interviews, have another on the books. Hoping for 2nd interviews soon. (Primarily because I'm going stir crazy with no where to be from 8-5).

Health status: I'm really out of shape. I have tried to go for a run twice now and feel like my calves are on fire and my lungs are on strike...but I also feel pretty empowered and know that my endurance will return. I have found a new, fun, fabulous way to shake my groove thang. That's right I'm bellydancing. The tricks I have found
1) Find a great teacher (I've lucked out with my dear friend Cari)
2) Laugh a lot
3) Stand in the back so you can't really see yourself (you'll just obsess and it won't be pretty)
4) Laugh a lot

...I have found it's really hard to hold my arms up for an hour long class and that I feel strong, fluid, and empowered when I bellydance. Who knew?

So if you ever have the opportunity to bellydance I highly recommend it. If you are in the Valley area check out Anaya Tribal (http://www.anayatribal.com/) they're some amazing ladies that will make you want to move.

Weath: let's not go there...things will be much better when we're a 2 income house again.

Family: I couldn't ask for better inlaws, their unconditional support of us has been amazing. My husband is a testament of strength and caring, he can still make me laugh everyday even when dark clouds loom.

As for me...it's all about the NEXT - back on the road to log another mile, back in the studio to laugh and shimmy, and back online to tweak my resume, back to my roots of doing what's good and right for me so I may be blessed again.

out of loss comes growth

The loss of our child on September 11 (what's with that day?!?!) was extremely painful in every sense of the word. This tragedy presented us a wonderful opportunity to start anew - reflect on our decisions, our wants, our dreams and set into motion the plans yet-to-be made.

That being said we now realize that Flagstaff is not our home, not now, there is sadness here and lack of opportunity for where we are in our professional journeys. As a result we've decided to reclaim our lives and move to Phoenix (west valley). It is here that I hope we can find healing and opportunities to grow...in every sense of the word.

Sadly, one of my biggest supporters - my mother, disapproves and vocally rejects this decision. Her anger, for not choosing a path she has designed for me and caused her share very painful and intentionally hurtful things over the past few days. So, sadly I must mourn a death once more this year - this time it is the death of my relationship with my Mother. My hope is that with time and distance she can come to a place of acceptance and support for me. She is just unable to do so at this time.

I will be very glad when 2008 draws to a close and I can put to rest a year filled with death, poverty, disappointment, and sadness and look to the bright future I hope 2009 holds filled with endless possibilities.

So if you're ever in I-10 heading west through PHX...give us a call!
Wishing all who read this love, health, and happiness - may they have no limit in your lives.

Until next time, the not-quite-yet mother

Another Baby?!?!?!

I'm very excited to share that our dear friend from college, Jessie, is expecting her 2nd (the family's 4th) child next May!

She and her husband are very excited. Big brother and sister are hoping for a girl this time to go with their baby brother who arrived last June. Mom and Dad are just ecstatic to be welcoming a new family member home.

Congratulations to them and best wishes for a healthy and smooth pregnancy!

BIRTHA, defender of laboring women everywhere!

I find that I'm draw to, almost compelled to watch "the baby shows." You know, the ones most people flip past as soon as they wheel mom into the delivery room and there are sweat beads visible at 50 paces and worried dads hovering just above the "privacy drape" behind which the magical wizard, aka OB, is performing the final steps in the miracle of birth. I was like you...I only wanted to the back story and maybe baby 4-6 wks post-bloody birth. Now? Now, I find myself seeking out these shows - A Baby Story, Brining Home Baby, Special Delivery...I can't get enough.

I always cry when baby finally appears in the world, and I'm slowly desensitizing myself to the visibly excruciating pain of child birth. I'm still on board with a natural birth, hoping to start my prenatal yoga class soon to give me the strength and flexibility I anticipate needing when I push my watermelon baby through my orange-sized vagina.

Western birth still boggles my mind...as these poor moms are flat on their backs legs spread-eagle in the air and a masochistic Dr. yelling "good, good, just one more push"...one more push from an ridiculously exhausted woman whose been mentally and physically preparing for this day for 9 months and physically been laboring for the past 6-36 hours... now against all odds, and more notably against gravity, in a position that physically makes your pelvis smaller....lets take a nice deep breath and push that miracle of life out. And you wonder why so many women experience some form of post-traumatic stress following a hospital birth?!?!

Of course my MY birth will be different...I secretly hope that my inner super heroine emerges during labor...BIRTHA, defender of laboring women everywhere!

"What are you putting in that I.V.? - we don't need it yet...so back off!"

"Lie down? Are you mad? This mother needs to walk and bounce and swivel her hips to help baby move down the birth canal."

"Epi-what...she doesn't want it and doesn't need it...let her body do it's job of face the wrath of BIRTHA!"

That would be awesome...I think Doulas and Dads should wear super hero capes...because that's their job in the delivery room, right? To protect and defend mom so she can have the best birthing experience possible?

Just the musing of an expectant mom.

The baby bump

The baby bump, the adorable first visible signs that a growing little life is residing inside its mother’s womb… I have come to realize that the baby bump is only cute on women weighing in at 150 or less.

For myself, a woman much stouter than the average bear – I have the pleasure of having 2 bumps. The “upper bump” is alllll me and despite my best efforts I can no longer hold it in. I lovingly refer to this as “the buffet.” I imagine myself a mamma bear and this is the fruits of my labors, the veritable smorgasbord that will sustain my cub through winter.

The “lower bump” is actually the baby, located squarely in my uterus, where it should be. I somewhat fear my fifth month when according to most, including my mother-friends, is when you actually “start showing.” Yikes!

That’s pregnancy though right? So bring on the stretch pants and lycra dresses! I am mother, hear me roar. As I get to know my every changing, ever curving, ever widening body – I’m secretly planning for my first post-baby half-marathon, jogging stroller and all.

In other news…we’re happily settled back in Flagstaff. It’s good to be back amongst the pines and afternoon summer storms. Last Saturday marked our 5th wedding anniversary…it seemed only fitting that as we start a new chapter in our family that we return to the place where it all began.

Next challenge…find a OB/nurse-midwife we like. We have a list of names and centers to check out and it’s a bit daunting and overwhelming. Out NP in Tucson was so calming and reassuring, I really want to find someone like that. Someone who will listen to me and respect my body, and who has the experience and knowledge of what a healthy, NATURAL childbirth is. Maybe the birthing faeries will send someone our way.

Until next time, waddle on friends.

The nose knows...

I've often been accused of having a sensitive sniffer, however with the onset of hormones galore I find myself almost overly sensitive to assaults to my olfactory. Smells I once enjoyed can be pungent and pseudo-noxious. Smells I do not care for, now force me to vacate the premises until the air has literally cleared.

The same heightened level of awareness seems to have translated to my taste buds as well. The other day I sipping on a cold fountain drink and I swear I could taste the lingering of fungal bacteria in their carbonation lines...needless to say, I did not drink very much.

So for the time being it's back to basics - simple foods, simple smells, gone are the days of incredibly rich and fragrant exotic foods and spices I often yearned for. "Alas, poor curry, I knew you well."

Pregnant Women are Beautiful

I have never been so tired in my life. I'm now 13 weeks pregnant and have known of my pregnancy for 2 weeks...my body is bloating (apparently new life requires growing room) - this is strange and disturbing for a woman who has spent the majority of her adult life learning to accept the size and shape of her body while trying to shed as many pounds as possible to facilitate conception. Oddly now that the miracle of life has taken up residence in my uterus...I dread looking in the mirror every morning.

Nausea and fatigue are now my bosom buddies, along with mild frequent headaches, increased sensitivity to odors (pleasant or otherwise), increased seasonal allergies, and a desire for ice cold milk like I've never had in my life. Sleep is frequent, short in duration, and not all that satisfying. I don't want to feel miserable, I want to feel glowing, powerful and strong - a mother warrior fostering the growth of my unborn chieftain (or queen)...but rather I feel more akin to Jaba the Hut with ever-changing, sometimes odd cravings for food.

I'm excited, so excited, to be a Mom and my wonderful, amazing, supportive, understanding, patient, loving, caring husband is so excited to be a Dad...but the journey to parenthood is challenging. SO glad it will all be worth it in the end...right?